Just a little disclaimer: This is not a “Hey, we are home and everything is going swell!” type of post. That will come.
Until then, don’t be alarmed. Things are going well. Every day is a little better. No, everything didn’t just fall into place magically and we felt all like one big happy family immediately. I didn’t feel like a mom immediately. BUT – Ezra is doing fabulous. As a family, we are learning what our new normal looks like. Noah is coming around to the idea of having a brother and I think he has finally forgiven me for leaving him for 2 1/2 weeks. Chandler is a wonderful big sister and helper. We are eating and sleeping great. I am learning what it means to be a mom of 3.
The Ugly Truth
You may remember this graphic from our t-shirt fundraiser last year. The song “Oceans” by Hillsong was a super hit and the words and music are so powerful. The song is based on the story of Peter in Matthew 14 when Peter walks on the water with Jesus. The song kind of set the tone for our adoption.
So fast forward a year. I have just returned home from China with our new son. Billy stayed home with Ezra so I could take myself, Chandler and Noah to church. It was just 2 days after returning home and I was so so jet lagged and emotional and just… exhausted. Okay… let’s get real. Throw in confused and angry as well. I dropped the kids off at the children’s area and headed to get some coffee, while trying to draw as little attention to myself as possible. I wasn’t prepared to smile and act like I was okay. I spoke with a few people and made my way to the sound booth at the back of the sanctuary. That’s where I usually am on Sundays, but this Sunday other volunteers had everything under control. I was happy to be back and needed to be there if for nothing more than to feel normal… and I just wanted to hide.
I stood there, refusing to sing because I knew if I did then big hot tears would roll down my face and I would be ugly crying in 2 seconds flat. Then. THEN. This song. I knew it was coming because I saw it on the service order in the sound booth. I was prepared. All emotions were turned off.
Apparently God didn’t care if I sang or not. If I cried or not.
He spoke anyway.
You asked for this.
I did? You called me out upon the water. You called Peter out on the water. Oh yes… But not until Peter asked to be called out.
But I am drowning, God! I am hurting! My family is hurting!
You took your eyes off of Me. “You of little faith.”
It was true. And I know this may come as a shock to most of you, but I’m not perfect. 😆 I don’t have adoption or christianity or family or ANYTHING completely figured out. Sometimes when I am scared I still run away instead of to Him.
But I do know that Matthew 14:28-31 says this:
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
I was in the middle of the afraid part. The part where I was walking along on the water just fine… and then I got scared, took my eyes of of Jesus as the goal, and started to sink. And sink. Until I was drowning and blaming God for it!
He is so good. If I call out, He will immediately catch me. And if I don’t call out on my own, He will remind me to. Over and over again.